grunk/vault/manual content.md

tags: #lore

see manual

note: maybe too long? kind of funny if it's hard to navigate

GRUNKER'S COMPANION

A guide to grunkin' for the rest of us!

1. What the Grunk!?

(NOTE: basic loredump)

Greetings! And hello.

You're reading this because you've chosen, or have been chosen, to pursue what may well be the single most possible career path available today: grunking! But don't get your horses in a wad, buckerino -- grunking ain't all cookies 'n cream. If you're anything like anyone, you've no doubt spent your cryosleep journey asking yourself any of the following Ostensibly Asked Questions:

Q: What do I do? A: That one's easy! You collect grunk.

Q: What's grunk? A: I'm glad you ostensibly asked! It would be no understatement to say that grunk is perhaps one of the commodities traded on the Earth-sphere market today. The grunk you grunkulate is destined for use in any of the wide range of application, including industrial lubrication, vegan accounting, and Blue Avocado (TM) Artificial Flavoring. So the next time you enjoy a refreshing Blue Avocado (TM) flavored cigarette... Thank a grunker!

Q: Okay, but what is grunk? A: I dunno -- what's grunk with you?

I kid. Grunk is a natural substance, which naturally feeds on the colloidal thermacroplastics used for hull construction in 99.97% of the spacecraft currently in service. Grunk cultures have been found growing in the structural thermacroplastic of countless derelict freighters salvaged from the vast and unexplored interplanetary void, leading to the natural and sustainable growth of the industrial grunk sector. While you're on the job site, keep your eyes peeled for a thin blueish film growing around thermacroplastic manifolds: that's grunk, baby!

Q: No, seriously, please tell me what grunk actually is. A: We don't know.

Q: Why am I here alone? A: Because we believe in you.

Q: I am under the illusion that I might possibly have seen something beyond my understanding whilst fulfilling the responsibilities of my job description as described to me, AND I have read and signed a Form FS-32 Non-Perception Agreement. A: Science has yet to conclusively prove the existence of anything which resembles the alleged descriptions of a so-called "grunked beast". For that matter, science has yet to conclusively prove that grunk even exists, so what do they know?

Q: I don't want to be here anymore. A: Not a question! But it should go without saying: as a valued member of our team, you are free to leave any time you want in the provided Luxury Shuttlecraft, courtesy of your Benefactors.

Q: Why can't I launch my Luxury Shuttlecraft? A: Your Luxury Shuttlecraft is equipped with a state-of-the-art secure ignition lockout to prevent you from accidentally departing the job site before meeting your quota.

Wanna go home? Better get grunkin'!

Please help me

(NOTE: basic instructions)

Looking to take your grunk game to the next level? Good news: grunkin' like a pro is easy as long as you remember to just DIE!

DIE: Detect, Investigate, Equip.

DETECT Your Target

A grunk infestation may not be obvious at first glance! Look closely in corners and under furniture for that tell-tale dark blue ooze. And be on the lookout for grunk nodules, clusters of concentrated grunk which some say can even grow as large as your fist!

GRUNKER GRIGGS SAYS: Whatever grunk you see, there's always ten times as much just under the surface!

INVESTIGATE Your Surroundings

Spotted some grunk? Outstanding! But before you run in grunkulators-blazing, take a minute to assess the situation. What am I looking at? Will it cause me physical and/or psionic harm? What haven't I noticed in this situation? Grunkers are making improbable new grunk discoveries every single hour of every single day, so if you find yourself face to face with something you haven't seen before, just remember this handy rule of thumb:

Your Benefactors are legally obligated to provide nominal compensation for loss of life and limb on the job site, but not for any incidental costs incurred therewith, including but not limited to medical treatment, rehabilitation, and/or funeral expenses.

GRUNKER GRIGGS SAYS: Our Benefactors were legally obligated to provide nominal compensation for my loss of life and limb on the job site, but not for any incidental costs incurred therewith, including but not limited to medical treatment, rehabilitation, and/or funeral expenses!

EQUIP Your Tools

Every grunker should know the tools of the trade:

1. Focus Beam

That's your bread 'n butter, baby! The focus beam of your grunkulator concentrates a powerful beam of patented "technology" into a fine point, eliminating and absorbing any grunk it hits and leaving the surface underneath sparkling clean!

2. Wide Beam

Switch to the wide beam to disperse your grunkulator beam through a wide angle, allowing you to clean off large surfaces in an instant!

NOTE: Because the wide beam is dispersed, it doesn't pack the same punch as the focus beam and can't reach quite as far.

GRUNKER GRIGGS SAYS: Give it a once-over with the wide beam, then go in with the focus beam for those hard-to-reach spots!

3. Portable Grunk Tank

Any grunk you clean up will automatically be collected in your portable grunk tank! Keep a close eye on your tank's fill level, and deposit whatever you collect into the grunk reservoir in your Luxury Shuttlecraft to free up room for more grunk!

Want even more carrying capacity? Look for "EL TANK GRANDE" at your local rewards terminal -- it's out now!

4. Grunk Alert Advisory System

Your Luxury Shuttlecraft comes equipped with an advanced color-coded Grunk Alert Advisory System to keep you informed of the risk of anti-psionic threats which may or may not allegedly result from contact with grunk-based entities. Additionally, the GAAS will send you a helpful notification via radio link any time the grunk alert level changes.

GRUNKER GRIGGS SAYS: If it's red, then you'll know you're in danger!

What's this thing?

(NOTE: describe grunk alert level & grunk alarms)

#TODO

My Grunk Rewards Dot Com

(NOTE: list of milestones)

You asked, and your Benefactors listened. By popular demand, we've revamped our previous benefits package, transmogrifying it werewolf-style into the all-new My Grunk Rewards Dot Com! As you deposit ever more grunk into your shuttlecraft's reservoir, your grunk terminal will automatically decrypt fancy new tangible material rewards! We like to think of it as a "light" at the end of the "tunnel" of your "miserable existence"!

Milestone (g)	Reward
100,000	Company-approved MP3 PLAYER
200,000	A genuine TOOTHBRUSH
300,000	BONUS TRACK
400,000	Learn the importance of maintaining a healthy work-life balance with our Corporate Wellness Seminar.
500,000	BONUS TRACK
600,000	"EL TANK GRANDE": Our state-of-the-art portable grunk reservoir, with enhanced storage capacity!
800,000	BONUS TRACK
1,000,000	Our most popular sticker pack is back! Because you're worth it.
1,400,000	BONUS TRACK
2,000,000	==QUOTA== and a limited-edition commemorative enamel pin!
2,500,000	BONUS TRACK
3,200,000	[censored]
4,200,000	BONUS TRACK
6,400,000	t a c o f i e s t a